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 On 12/22/2014 at 08:53 PM by Casey Curran See More From This User » |
As the holidays approach, everyone seems to be in a joyful mood. Well, usually. This year, however, I see nothing but gamers yelling at each other and trying to prove each other hypocrites. And I know I do not just speak for myself when I say I am sick of it. So I decided to help steer us in the right direction. And there is only one way to do so: Festivus.
It's time to refocus our hate on the guys who really deserve it: The morons who make our games. So here I am to bring all those big publishers who keep trying to really fuck over our hobby.
You decide to charge for online play with the PS4, then what do you do? GIVE US THE WORST YEAR OF PS PLUS EVER!!!! Just because you're excluding the people who don't want to pay for that doesn't mean you can slack off on the Plus bonus games. There were months where Origin had a better free game than anything you offered. ORIGIN!!!! And I didn't even have to pay a fee for that!!!!
Also: You couldn't sell a Vita if you convinced people buying one would make Santa Clause real and would give them puppies that crap burgers!
You have the worst first party support of the consoles, so what do you do? You take away Rise of the Tomb Raider from PS4 and PC owners just for a few months!!!! You can't get your own exclusives so you deprive other people of them? No, not even deprive them! You make them wait because you love timed exclusives, the worst idea in history!!!
Also what the hell is up with the Xbone not getting rechargeable controllers? You charge FIFTEEN DOLLARS for rechargeable batteries!!!! CONTROLLERS SHOULD NOT COST SEVENTY FIVE BUCKS!!!!!
Your online infrastructure is HORRIBLE!!!! Buying games takes forever with an awful interface and THEY'RE TIED TO THE FUCKING CONSOLE? You know why no one else does that? BECAUSE IT'S A HORRIBLE IDEA!!! CREATE A NORMAL ID SYSTEM LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!!!
You guys just had one job to do. Not make a Sonic game that anyone would even claim is worse than Sonic 06. YOU COULDN'T EVEN DO THAT RIGHT!!!! Is it worse than 06? I don't know, I didn't play it. But people are saying it's that bad. You couldn't have fucked up worse if you gave it to Michael Bay!!! And the Sonic Boom cartoon stinks too!!!
I defended Skylanders before because I thought it was a good idea, but not anymore! What the hell is up with Trap Team? Kids have to spend six bucks per enemy they trap with those figures? They're not even fun figures! That game isn't even a game anymore it's a commercial!!!
But that's not even the thing I want to talk about most. Hold on a second, we need someone else here.
You hype up Destiny and then spout that much praise on it's the next evolution of shooters, then what do we get. A game made on FUCKING AUTOPILOT!!! Yes, I said I enjoyed it, but that doesn't change that Destiny was a fucking lazy effort! And now you have the nerve to only let people at level 30 play the expansion, only the ones who spend hours being bored by repetition to get those rare items? I am so glad I traded that game in!
You guys suck so much YOU MADE BATMAN LOOK LAME!!!!!
Yes, that is Batman. WHO THE HELL THOUGHT THIS LOOKS GOOD?
You guys actually weren't that bad, but come on! You're EA! Pissing us off is your job and I'm sure you'll come up with new ways to do it next year.
And the Festivus Feats of Strength Award goes to..........
I am fucking done with you guys. You made the Watchdogs trailer from 2012 fake, gave ridiculously dumb and different Collector's Editions where you unbelievably called wannabe Batman's cap "iconic." Want to know why I called him wannabe Batman? BECAUSE NO ONE IS GOING TO REMEMBER THAT GUY!!! You don't get to decide if he's iconic before he even exists!
But then you decide to announce to people sick of Assassin's Creed games that we're getting TWO FUCKING GAMES ON THE SAME DAY! And that's not even the worst part. You didn't finish one of them! IF YOU DON'T HAVE TIME TO FINISH A GAME, DON'T ANNOUNCE ANOTHER ONE IN THE SERIES IS COMING THE SAME FUCKING DAY!!!
But it's even worse than that. 30 FPS is more "cinematic"? Fuck. You. 30 FPS makes games worse. Not all games, but if it's an action game (like, I don't know, ASSASSIN'S CREED), then it makes games better! YOU DON'T GET TO TELL US THAT A SHIT SANDWICH TASTES GOOD!!!
And then there's Uplay, the worst place to buy games ever! It makes Origin look like Steam, it makes the eshop look like Amazon! HOW CAN YOU MAKE A WORSE ONLINE STORE THAN THE ESHOP?!!!!
Your PC ports suck and you suck! Your games this year were the poster children for overhyping and underdelivering! You put microtransactions and reminders to use your money sucking apps in your $60 games! YOU ARE EVERYTHING WRONG WITH THIS NEW CONSOLE GENERATION!!!
FESTIVUS DOESN'T END UNTIL YOU FIX ASSASSIN'S CREED UNITY!!!!!
Nothing like returning to good 'ol Greenman.
I do agree with you on Ubisoft in everyway. So much for the promises of 2012, when it all came crashing. I think i'm now considering to uninstall Far Cry 3 just so I don't give them any satisfaction of using Uplay.
He is not just good ol' Greenman, he is Epic good ol' Greenman. :D
I definitely agree on Ubisoft. I never liked Ubisoft anyway, but they can't even get Tetris right.
Square Enix, however, has been fairly satisfactory to me with games like Bravely Default, and they've got a release window nailed down for FFXV. I even kind of like their Batman design, but then, I don't care about comics to begin with, so my opinion isn't really worth much here.
Sega... they're brilliant when they actually bother to release games outside of Japan, so they're often a source of aggravation for me.
Good rant blog.
Festivus! LOL Gonna be using that term all the rest of the week. Thanks.
I think gaming's not about gaming anymore. It's about revenue streams. The greed has graduated to new heights. Take out your Shield-of-Frugality and DEFEND YOURSELF! FOR THE DEMON MAMMON IS UPON US!!! Sorry, got a little carried away there.
I keep thinking Square Enix Batman reminds me of Xion the Unborn from Bloody Roar: Primal Fury, but black instead of gray/silver:
Nope that Batman is actually Bahamut (Black Edition)
I think it's a combo of the two really. Bahamut there has the clawed wings Xion doesn't (also Xion has antennaes, which I never really noticed; weird), but Xion has the humanistic looking body as opposed to Bahamut's straight up dragon look.
Well at least Namco didn't make your list.
I'm not very good at saying negative things (well, I can be, but I certainly don't like it), so I'm going to say some positive things about each company on your list.
Sony
If you would only release Loco Roco 3, I'd buy a PS4 or Vita. Come on, you can do it!
Microsoft
I'm not really into the Xbox One, but I sure did like the 360, so good job on that.
Nintendo
Thank you for making lots of games that I like.
SEGA
Sonic Boom wasn't really as bad as everyone says it is. Granted, it's not that great either, but it could be a lot worse. Why not give one of your other characters, like Ulala or Ristar a chance next time?
Activision
I'm glad to see a fun and imaginative kids game making more money for you than Call of Duty does. Skylanders really captures the imagination of playing with toys in a video game more so than Amiibos and Disney Infinity do. And you got your own Macy's parade balloon! Sure, Skylanders is a bit gimmicky, but admit it, if you were a kid, Skylanders would be the coolest thing ever.
Destiny
Well, it may not be my cup of tea, but I'm glad to see others like it, such as my little brothers.
Square Enix
Thank you for still making fun and whimsical games like Bravely Defalt and Curtain Call. I hope you can do more stuff like that in the future.
EA
Well you may not publish many games I like, but your PR team has always been supportive of me in my nearly 20 years of reviewing games.
Ubisoft
You made Child of LIght, which is going to win my Best RPG of the Year award in my GOTY blog, so congratulations on that.
Yeah I'm not good at this Festivus thing. --Cary
You're just like Princess Unikitty from The Lego Movie, always staying positive
"Numbers, numbers, numbers. Business, business, Business. Is this working?" "Yeah, totally."
I love that movie.
I don't get all mad like she does, though. And for that matter, I'm not even a girl. :)
Love that movie too, actually my favorite one of all time.
It's a Festivus miracle! 
I cannot comment on much, but I agree about Square.
I also completely agree with your assessment of Destiny, at the same time I completely disagree. I really hate myself because I have missed out on a lot of games in the past 3 months.
Haha... these blogs are my favorite. You've got it covered. Though when I sit down for Festivus dinner tonight I will definitely be telling Nintendo about my issues with the ongoing debacle that is the 3DS' second stick solutions.
They definitely deserve that
damn, Ubisoft got the biggest hate. And well deserved too!
Happy Festivus, Casey!
Yeah I can't stand Uplay but I did like Child of Light, Valiant Hearts and I could never hate Rayman.
Microsoft I don't need any more reasons to hate. They are the scum that scum call scum. 'nuff said
I have noticed the decline in the quality of PSN+ offerings but I've still managed to get some goodness mainly from the sales and there have been a few games I didn't already own on the play for free list.
Oh and Happy Festivus Greeny
Rayman is pretty awesome. Everything else from them I could take or leave. And they make it really easy to leave.
I agree with all except this: "And now you have the nerve to only let people at level 30 play the expansion, only the ones who spend hours being bored by repetition to get those rare items? I am so glad I traded that game in!"
I will never play Destiny. The combat in Halo feels awful to me, and I've heard it's much the same here. However, this is how MMO's work. The expansion builds from the top level, not the bottom. At least it's not WoW where you have to get through 90 levels...
Here's the issue I have with it though: Once you hit level 20, you can't level up the normal way. You have to get super rare items to level up, which are just based on luck. You want to set a minimum? Fine, but don't go with that stupid system's level cap, use a normal one.
Also, just because other MMOs do it doesn't make it right. If what exists has enough content to justify it, fine. But if you have to repeat the same crap dozens of times, that's bad game design
Oh ok, that's shit. It should go from the level 20 not the bullshit "level 30" thing.
Glad we can agree that these people suck in every way I described.
If you are lower leveled, they do make it far simpler to hit 30 though. The vendors in the Tower have updated stock that allows you to hit level 31. Previously, their stock only got you to 29. Of course, the process of grinding for Marks and Ascendant Shards is a hassle in and of itself.
I don't really mean to defend them, because a bunch of their choices in regards to the "expansion" have ticked me off. Unless I am mistaken, expansions should be expansive, not 5 different, easy to complete missions... That is 3 campaign missions, 1 Raid, and 1 Strike.
PREACH about the XBox controller battery! I just leave my 360 controller plugged in. I don't want to deal with it anymore.
I will bitch about EA for you: who in their right mind sends out a sports game that doesn't have sliders? Also why did you ruin NBA Live, release bad DLC for NCAA Football that crashes my game if I dare want to see Notre Dame's special uniforms, and you couldn't sneak a ported version of NCAA Football 14 to the PS4 before the NCAA pulled the plug? Oh EA....
Yesh! Suck it Ubisoft...
I personally would want to rant at gamers thesleves but that's a whole different level of festivus for now.
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